I am celebrating the anniversary of being “Heart Sisters” with CC’s Tummy Mommy this weekend. We call his birth mother “Tummy Mommy”. We were matched around this time last year. We met in person in mid-April. Immediately, I fell in love with her. We (my husband and her husband – for the lack of brain power, I started calling him Tummy Daddy when we first got CC home, I know, it doesn’t make sense…) all got along great and the first meeting went extremely well. Since the first meeting, his Tummy Mommy “D” and I kept in touch pretty regularly. We talked on the phone, we texted each other, had lunch together, went to appointments together…I just think she is the world’s loveliest and most caring, loving and sacrificial lady and I love her. We text each other a lot, though we have not spoken on the phone. This is the first time we see each other since CC’s birth.
We have an open adoption. Many people don’t understand what “Open Adoption” is and the benefit of being open. We will talk about that some other time. But really, it DOES work in most cases. Majority of domestic adoption these days are open. It is said to be best for the child because he doesn’t have to wonder where he came from or why he is in the situation. He will always know his roots and be able to ask questions in order to clear up any confusion which results in a happier and healthier child with fewer psychological or emotional issues.
For us, on paper, Open Adoption means that we each (birth family and adoptive family) know who we are, we know each other’s contact information, and as CC’s adoptive family, we update the birth family once a month with pictures and as time goes by the frequency decreases but they will be updated at least once a year. In reality, I’m in touch with “D” very frequently via texting and emailing, and I also send her links to pictures and videos. Sometimes I talk about CC and she talks about her youngest (CC’s brother who is 10 mos older than him) like Mommies talking Mommy Talk. Sometimes I ask her about how to take care of his skin and hair. Or get other advice. And I always tell her “just let us know when you want to see him”.
It makes me feel so good when I receive response from her like “the kids love looking at the pictures you send” (they have 5 kids), “the kids nicknamed him peanut” and “I’m so thankful that God directed my eyes and heart to the both of you.”
The best response from her was when we sent her the link to CC’s dedication at our church. She said, “My husband and I were talking about CC the other day while we were cooking. And he asked me if I regret my decisions. I honestly looked at him and smiled and told him no…I knew God chose me to carry CC for you and Kip. And I’m honored to do his will. Even though we love him and miss him. We know he is with his family that was intended for him. And that’s all that matters”.
THIS IS the dear woman who gave life to my son. Who played our video to her tummy so CC will recognize our voices.
You see, it’s love. It’s all about the love.
“I just hope when he gets older he understands why we made the decision we made”.
I tell CC every day that he is very loved and prayed for. In fact, I made up a lullaby when he was a couple of weeks old, and I still sing that song to him.
“Mama loves you, Daddy loves you, Tummy Mommy loves you, Tummy Daddy loves you, Mama loves you, Daddy loves you, and Father God loves you.”
I tell him that God loved him way before he was born. Way before Mama and Daddy were born. Way before Tummy Mommy and Tummy Daddy were born. And we all love him very much but God loves him even more than that. That He has a special plan for him. That He picked his Tummy Mommy and Tummy Daddy to bring him to this world and picked Mama and Daddy to be his parents. And we ALL love him. I pray over him every night that he will be secure in his identity as our child but more than that, as a child of God, as our beloved, and His beloved.
As I mention in my post “Resources for Raising Adoptive Children Pt. 1“, CC and I worked together from day 1. Daddy had a lot of skin-to-skin time too. He knows we love him. We know he loves us. Every morning he wakes up with a HUGE smile at me as I pick him up from the crib. While I “faux” nurse him, when he hears Daddy coming into the room, he stops and gives him a big grin. Every time I go to Daycare to feed him at lunch time or to pick him up, he beams at me and just giggles his way to me across the room. He is a securely attached child. A very happy child. And WE are securely attached parents.
“Aren’t you nervous to see her?” “She can’t take him back, can she?” “I just don’t know how she could do that.” “Why do you want to bring him to see her?”
I am his Mama. I am secure and confident in that. “D” is at peace and secure in her place as his birth mother. She knows she is honored. CC is securely attached to his adoptive family. NO ONE is insecure…at this time. Now, we may experience something different in the future. But I am secure and confident that our Lord, who adopted us as His children, is orchestrating this whole story. The One who entrusted CC in our care will help when we are in need. The One who took care of finances when we brought him home, will provide a way. The One who knit him fearfully and wonderfully in “D”s womb…that’s who we all find our security in.